How to Deal with Your Boyfriend's Female Friends

by Margeaux Nelson

Although you want to believe the only girls in your boyfriend's life are you, his mom and his dog, Lilly, that's not reality. Times have certainly changed since middle school when our boyfriend's female-friends were also our best friends, and we didn't see other females as a threat. However, as new relationships arise, we want to forget our boyfriend actually does have female - friends who he cares about and stays in touch with.

But how can you handle all these female-friends? Which ones are really necessary for him to communicate and hang out with? How can we get past any insecurity we feel as a new text message comes in from "Nicole," or when he takes you out with his friends of the opposite sex?

It is critical to be secure in your relationship. There's nothing less attractive to a guy than a suspicious, accusatory and sneaky girlfriend. Here's how to control your negative feelings and, perhaps, gain a positive outlook toward your man and his female-friends.

Dealing with them when you're out

Give them a chance!
When your boyfriend takes you out with his female-friends from his past, take a friendly approach from the very beginning. Be warm and welcoming to the girl(s). By being open to his female-friends and showing you're comfortable around them, the girls will feel comfortable too and will more likely act similar to how they would act without you around. This will give you a good gauge on the context of their relationship before you came along and reassure you that you have nothing to worry about.

Relax!
The fact that your man is comfortable enough to take you out with his other female-friends as his girlfriend should be an automatic source of comfort; he is happily with you and wants his friends to get to know you. So lighten up! There must be something special about those female-friends for him to maintain contact with them, and because he's dating you, you're bound to have something in common with them. You don't necessarily have to become "buddy-buddy" with them, but don't be afraid to give them a shot.

Dealing with them when they text/call

Girls, by nature, more willingly text or call their friends (including good MALE-friends) to check in and see how their lives are going. But what if your man is THAT friend?

Don't assume the worst! When we fall upon a text or phone call from another girl, the "insecure-jealous-girlfriend" kicks into gear. We assume the worst right away. We think she's flirting, leading him on or trying to steal him out your arms and into hers. It's important not to jump to conclusions.

Don't freak out and walk out!
Pulling away and getting upset right off the bat is immature and petty. It's crucial to leave lines open for communication. Calmly ask him about the girl. He shouldn't hesitate to show you his texts if you're curious or if you need answers about their relationship prior to you. Those who have nothing to hide, HIDE NOTHING. If he's willing to tell these other girls that he's in a relationship that he cares a lot about, then it's a different story. But if your relationship seems to be kept under wraps within the context of these conversations, it may be indicating that he isn't ready and willing to fully commit to you when you're not looking.

Don't go snooping!
Morphing into Inspector-Gadget-mode and secretly investigating the situation is not the best idea. Never go through his phone. He has a right to privacy as much as you do. If you get caught sneaking through his text messages, he may lose trust in you, making you appear insecure in your relationship. The best alternative is to openly ask him about a text or call you may see pop up when you're with him. He, as a man who is (hopefully) true to you and partaking in harmless communication with those who call or text him, should have no problem reading his messages to you or telling you about the conversation if you're seeking reassurance.

What men don't realize when we question their relationships with female-friends...
Although there may be a pinch of insecurity or jealousy, what guys don't realize when their girlfriend asks about his female-friends is that they are simply uncomfortable and want some reassurance. It's not that girls want to BE that female-friend, or think, "What does she have that I don't." They usually don't feel that their boyfriend would jump in the bed with his female-friend and cheat on her. It's that girlfriends don't understand their motives behind the communication. Why does that girl choose to write him? Why is he that go-to guy? What is the importance of having small talk over text or the phone? What do they really get out of it? Because our man is placing priority on another girl, it makes us feel like our territory has been trespassed. By asking him about their relationship, it could bring a little more closure to the chatter between the two of them.

Beware of the ego-booster motive
Sometimes, guys like to communicate with other girls to boost their egos. Although the conversation may be "harmless" in itself, the guy gets satisfaction knowing he is still wanted. This is bothersome to a girlfriend because she wants to believe that she should be enough for him through all of her love and affection. It's important to get to the bottom of the motives of communicating with those girls. If he has a large number of important female-friends that he feels constantly compelled to text about absolutely nothing during his busy day, this may present a few red flags. If you feel your man isn't communicating because he has a genuine friendship with these girls and does it to satisfy his jollies, perhaps you should take a step back and rethink what you can handle.

After the talk, accept it - or walk!
After discussing your feelings with your man about his interactions with his female-friends, there's nothing more you can do. Monitoring his phone and watching him like a hawk when he is out WILL NOT PREVENT HIM FROM CHEATING - if that's what he's really planning on doing. If all his communications with his "old friends" are really troubling you internally, maybe consider taking a step back in your relationship. Telling him he can't speak to them may backfire and lead to an unhealthy, distrustful relationship.

Dealing with them when they write on his Wall or send him Facebook messages

The levels of intimacy
There are levels of intimacy developed within the Facebook realm. For example, a comment on his Wall is more intimate than a comment on his photos. And a message in his inbox is more intimate than the Wall comment. The more intimate the level of communication, the more intimate the relationship between the two of them comes across from an outsider's perspective.

Although girls may not know their man's whereabouts on Facebook, when they do fall upon a suspicious inbox or comment, they must first look into the content and context of the conversation. If it's harmless and friendly, there shouldn't be a problem, and there is no need to confront your man. But, if something indicates that there is some chemistry between your man and that female-friend, you have every right to ask him about it. Ask him what their relationship was like before you and what they meant by certain comments to each other.

Then, take his word with a grain of salt
Listen to his explanation and then DROP IT. Girls sometimes are going to misconstrue things and continue to think what they want to think anyway. Instead, try to take his word for it and move on. If the suspicious conversations continue to occur, rethink your relationship.

THE BOTTOM LINE:

Is it worth it to you to be in a relationship where you're constantly worrying that your man's female-friends are going to make him cheat? Does the happiness of your relationship outweigh the amount of time you stress about his relationships with other girls? If you already told him how you felt, and his actions are still displeasing, it means he's definitely not respecting you.

If after a while your intuition is telling you he's communicating with these female-friends for the wrong reasons, be true to yourself and what your needs are. It might take while to get to that a point. A woman's intuition is usually right nine times out of 10. Don't let them talk you into believing you're completely insecure. If it quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck. Your needs are just important as anybody else. If he's not willing to fight for you, he didn't want you anyway. It's not that you're running away from your problems by giving up the relationship. It's that you're taking on what you can handle. Maybe you need a male partner who has weaker relationships with other girls. Maybe your man is simply not giving you enough reassurance that he's fully committed to you, which is driving these doubts about his female-friends. Whatever the case may be, if you gave him and his female-friends a fair shot and still can't let go of the stress, let go of him.



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